tu dolce dolore

I'm fucking stupid!

Nice house, though...

Is fun.

Self destruction will keep me alive.

You successfuly took my every insecurity and used it to your advantage.  How stupid was I to fall for that? 

I can't stand being a push over.  I can't stant not being able to stand up and say "hey, I know this is wrong and I'm not getting hurt."  Instead, I fold like a fucking [insert good folding object here] and think things will change.

Well, nothing changed.  And now I'm up alone in the middle of the night feeling the absolute worst I can about myself.  Go me.

I guess I deserve this. 

Absolutly nothing.

But Zack & Miri Make a Porno is an amazing movie...

I bought fuzzy pants with hearts on them the other day.  They are the warmest things EVER.  Also, I need surgery to make my boobs smaller because I can't find one damn shirt that will keep them where they need to be.  That is surprisingly frustrating.  Too much information?  Yeah, probibly.

It is 3:19 a.m. and I can't sleep at all.  My knees kill me and I have too much on my mind.  Sooo I'm watching really retarded telivision in hopes that it bores me bad enough.  Is my life not exhilirating?

Noones online so I suppose I'll try to sleep....

Do you ever wonder where you would be if things had gone differently in the past?  What if one simple decision changed your path completely?  I've been thinking like that a lot latley.  If I had never gone to that dance and went to the movies instead.  What if I never met Jason, Josh and that whole crew?  What if I never moved out here?  Where would I be?

I know you can't change the past.  But at this point I can't look into the future because the future seems grim.  I want to see my kids grow and succeed and be amazing people.  But where do I fit into this mix?  When do I fix me?  Will anyone ever love me?  Will I be alone forever?  Will anyone ever care enough to listen?  I know that it is only a matter of time before I lose it and break down completly.   Who will be there when that happens?   Who will hold me and tell me that it will all be okay, even if they know it won't?  Who's going to protect me from me, because god knows I can't.



Do you see what you've done?  You've taken away my ability to hope.

Tonight I realized how naive some people can be.  I recieved two extremely nasty e-mails that brought be down to a whole new level.  As if I haven't felt badly enough about myself for a while now, they got into my head and made me feel worhless.  I was called an insane cunt, whore, and manipulator and they won't even man (or woman) up to who they are.  If you are reading my myspace or my journal then you must know me well enough to know that I am none of those things.  I am so quiet.  And I am overly nice to everyone that crosses my path.  I do anything for anyone even if it is so horribly out of my way that I can't function correctly.  How can you make statements like that?  And if you want to make statements like that, say them to my face.  You are a coward.  Gene is the oldest friend I have out here, and I think it is safe to say that he is the best friend I have out this way.  So fuck you for saying those horrible things.  It just makes me realize how childish and petty people can really be.  What I do and think in my own life is my own buisness.  I have the right to live the way I want to live and have the personality that I have without fear of reprocussions.  I am not one of those people that run around flying a flag with my problems written all over it so that people feel bad for me.  Do I do things that people think are strange?  Definitly.  Does everyone?  Most likely.  Does it offend you that I am quiet?  Does it offend you that I don't drink?  Does it offend you when I laugh or cry at nothing in perticular?  Well too fucking bad. 

Go fuck yourself.